#48: Eddy Steinblock vs. One Warrior Nation, DWA Wrestling Legends Tour (2/7/2010).
This is for Eddy's EPW World Heavyweight Championship.
Here's a match that I knew nothing about until I started going through the Cagematch site. At the time I write this, this match is the 6th lowest rated match on the site. What's ahead of it? Going from #5 to #1, it's an all star list of bullshit:
Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell from TNA Victory Road 2009, Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole from WWE WrestleMania 27, Mickie Knuckles vs. Mike Levy from IWA in 2008, Jake Roberts and Yokozuna vs. Jim Neidhart and King Kong Bundy from the Heroes of Wrestling show in 1999, and Act Yasukawa vs. Yoshiko from STARDOM in 2015.
So, for this match to be mentioned in the same breath as all of that must have meant that it was a special kind of bad. With absolutely no context to go off of, I went into this match completely blind. Assuming that One Warrior Nation was an Ultimate Warrior gimmick, I imagined this would suck.
Turns out I was onto something.
OWN does a really cheesy Warrior impression. A woman stands next to Steinblock and the national anthem for America plays. What? Eddy has the crowd behind him. OWN is doing a great impression of what a typically gassed Warrior would look like.
They lock up and break apart quickly. Another lock up and OWN makes some weird noises. Another stalemate. Side headlock by Eddy, who kind of looks like my uncle. Shoulder tackle by Eddy, which does nothing. OWN makes more weird noises.
OWN controls the arm and drives his knee into the shoulder. He twists the arm, and speaks...in tongues? There's more weird moaning, which I wish would fucking stop. Eddy gets him into the corner and there's a clean break. Another very unconvincing lockup. Eddy hits OWN with a bad clothesline.
Eddy with a neck crank that doesn't look convincing at all. Eddy attacks the pressure points on the neck and OWN just cums. I don't even know how else to describe it. The dude has a fucking orgasm. OWN gets to the ropes and Eddy twists up the arms. OWN hypes himself up against the ropes. He's moving like a dying locomotive.
Eddy takes a clothesline and OWN just stands there, dumbfounded. Shots in the corner, and OWN...just stands there. Is he Hulking up? Or puking up? Let's ask the Macho Man. Stomps to Eddy, and OWN yells to himself. Eddy sort of tackles OWN into the corner, and Warrior puts a bear hug in.
There's a "USA" chant going on in a German promotion. Drop toe hold by Eddy, and OWN kicks out at 1. OWN is out of the Ring, hulking himself up with the enthusiasm of a cat that's just birthed 6 kittens. Side note, my cat gave birth to 6 kittens yesterday, and she's the best cat mom.
He looks gassed as he slides into the Ring. Eddy stomps on his back. Two chops by Eddy. In the corner, he Irish whips OWN, who counters with one of his own. OWN Irish whips Eddy and runs into a big boot.
Okay, time for me to get a little angry - or hot, in wrestling lingo. Eddy goes for what I assume was going to be a Tiger Driver, and OWN blocks it, then just falls to the mat. Then, Eddy just pins him. I'm dead serious. OWN blocked whatever that move was going to be, then fell to the mat, and Eddy just pinned him to retain.
What the fuck was that? This is what you show someone who says Wrestling is real. This was unconvincing bullshit. Absolutely nothing about this match - the strikes, the lock ups, the holds, the moves, or whatever the fuck OWN was doing with the noises - felt authentic.
I'm not saying it has to be a Misawa/Kobashi style match. I've seen shitty indie matches that felt more convincing than this. This was in slow motion, from one move to the next. OWN wouldn't stop with the fucking noises, as he tried to mimic the Ultimate Warrior. He and the OG Warrior have many things in common, one of which is shitty acting.
On top of that, this has the worst fucking finish I've ever seen in a match. It came off so bad. I threw my phone on the table as it happened, and said out loud "that's not the fucking finish, right?" This is not good. The only saving grace is that it was relatively short. And if you show this to someone who doesn't know wrestling, you're likely to get a laugh.