TNA Impact Review (1/29/2009).
I’m finally getting around to reviewing a Request from a reader!
Months ago, this was sent my way by a friend of mine on Facebook, and I’ve had it in my queue to do ever since. Now, with some extra time in between work, I’m able to fulfill a request! It’s the infamous January 29th, 2009 episode of TNA Impact – the one where the Main Event Mafia takes over the show, nWo style!
A week earlier, Kurt Angle defeated AJ Styles in a Tables Match, and put him on the injured list. He grabbed a microphone and stood atop the TNA announcer’s table, and declared that in one week, it would be the end of TNA. The Frontline had lost much of its resources. Its top dogs were on the injured list. So now, Angle and the rest of the Main Event Mafia – that being TNA World Champion Sting, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner & Booker T – were going to take over TNA.
This show takes place on the road to Against All Odds, where Sting will defend the TNA World Heavyweight Championship against Brother Ray & Brother Devon of Team 3D...and Kurt Angle, in a Four Corners Match. Dissension in the Main Event Mafia already?
We open with that badass “Cross the Line” video package that TNA did in the late 2000s. Now we get a message brought to you by the MEM. Kurt Angle talks about bringing countless hours of entertainment to the world. They have goodwill. But now, a new force threatens them – the Frontline. The MEM has hard work, and they won’t be deterred. Tonight, the Mafia will preserve the integrity of their legacy.
Backstage, Kurt Angle is backstage, and is confronted by Jim Cornette. He says Angle he can’t hijack the show, but Angle asks who will stop them. Angle tells him to shut his mouth, and that the Mafia is taking over Impact tonight. Angle puts on a headset, and he checks with each member of the Mafia. We cut to the show intro, which hits really hard in 2024, just like it did in 2009.
Pyro goes off, and we cut to commentary for the night – Booker T and Kevin Nash, aka Black Snow & Chet Lemon. They give a run down of the evening’s festivities, which is mostly bullshit handicap matches. The standout match is Booker T in a handicap match against two TNA referees. The main event is Team 3D against TNA World Champion Sting. Booker cuts to Sharmell backstage, who’s talking to ODB.
She calls her an obnoxious dumb bimbo. ODB calls her Charmin. The whole promo, ODB has her hand on her crotch. Never change, ODB. She’s drunk, horny and ready to kick some ass. The Mafia escorted her friends Taylor Wilde and Roxxi out of the building, so she has no backup.
- Handicap Match: Kongtourage vs. ODB.
Scott Steiner is here to do the ring introductions, and he doesn’t know any of their names, so he says it’s three bitches in the ring. Kongtourage is TNA Knocksout Champion Awesome Kong, Sojourner Bolt, Raisha Saeed & Rhaka Khan. Steiner introduces ODB as the dirtiest bitch in wrestling history. Honestly, that’s a compliment.
The bell sounds, and ODB locks up with Bolt. She takes her down and hammers on her spine. Booker is immediately extra on commentary. Bolt irish whips her, and ODB turns it into a small package for a 1 count. ODB spears her to the floor, and then unloads with some strikes to Khan. Khan with a bad looking kick, and ODB responds with a chop. She sends Khan to the turnbuckle, and chops her chest. Khan misses a boot in the corner, and ODB sends her to the floor. Saeed comes in, and strikes ODB in the face. I don’t even know what Booker is saying, but he’s selling this match like it’s WrestleMania III. Nash is here for fun and a paycheck.
ODB explodes with a clothesline to Saeed. Now she goes to work on Kong, punching her in the turnbuckle. Bolt, Saeed and Khan all return to the ring, and ODB flies off the middle rope with a splash. Booker and Nash react like God just showed up. ODB is a house of fire, and Kong knocks her down. The Kongtourage go 4 on 1 against ODB. Kong hits the Implant Buster on ODB, and that’s enough for the win. The match was fine, but god damn, the commentary was hilarious. And that’s coming from someone who isn’t fond of Booker and Nash.
Backstage, Angle is saying this is the greatest night in TNA history. Cornette is yelling at him, and he threatens Cornette to shut up. Jeremy Borash asks Angle to consider giving control back, in case someone gets hurt. Angle tells him to screw off. The point of all of this is for people to get hurt. He says Sting against Team 3D evens things out, and he says that Mick Foley is on his way to the Impact Zone.
Angle laughs this off. He’s begging Foley to come. He asks Borash who’s side he’s on. Borash promises that “bros before hoes.” Angle says he creeps him out. Angle gives him a bunch of MEM shirts, and tells him to make some money.
We get a get-to-know segment with ODB, where she talks about her love for country music, food, and the fact that if she wasn’t a wrestler, she’d be living in her parent’s basement. ODB, never change.
Backstage, Sharmell is standing by with referee Rudy Charles and referee Andrew Thomas. She asks them both what they will do for a living after Booker T cripples them both. They talk about how they have families to feed. Charles talks about how he is an amateur wrestler – as it says on his TNA Wrestling Trading Card. Rudy says to follow his lead.
- Handicap Match: Booker T vs. Rudy Charles & Andrew Thomas.
Steiner says these two candy asses stand no chance. He also doesn’t understand how they have first names. Rudy looks confident. Andrew tries to run backstage. Booker T talks about how this guy Booker T is an accomplished pro wrestler, and these kids have a long road. Booker is the TNA Legends Champion. He stands up from the commentary desk, and Nash immediately goes “oh my god, that’s Booker T!” Steiner is now joining the commentary. God help us all.
Steiner asks Nash how he’s doing on ring intros. Nash says Dave Penzer is out of a job. The bell sounds, and Rudy offers his hand out to Booker. He asks Booker to back off, and Booker hits a clothesline. Nash says the referees look like geek, and they must be from West Virginia. As a resident of West Virginia, I resemble that statement. Booker hits a kick to Rudy’s head. Nash says Booker has an MMA approach to wrestling.
Booker kicks Rudy in the gut, and then connects with the Axe Kick. Andrew Thomas is standing on the apron with his mouth wide open. Booker forces Rudy to tag Thomas in. He puts his hands up in a fighting stance, and Booker kicks him in the gut. Big clothesline from Booker, and he bad mouths Earl Hebner. Nash reminds the audience that Earl indeed screwed Bret. Booker places Thomas in the corner, as Nash ponders if he’s a former WWE Champion. Big chops to Thomas in the corner. Kick to the face by Booker. Nash plugs a number to text, if you want to know who the next member of the MEM is. If you do, you get a naked picture of Nash. Book End by Booker, and that’s the win. A nothing match, made tolerable by the commentary. Nash can’t believe how much Booker resembles Black Snow.
Post match, Booker threatens Hebner, but here comes Shane Sewell, former referee turned wrestler. He goes to town on Booker in the corner. Booker with a knee to the gut, followed by an axe kick. If I remember correctly, the Booker/Sewell match at Against All Odds is garbage.
We get a video package, where the Mafia talks about getting to do whatever they want, whenever they want. They do it because they can.
Backstage, Angle is laughing again. Nash on the headset tells Angle about a hot woman in the audience. Here comes Sting, who seems displeased with what Angle is doing. Angle tells him that he’s the TNA World Champion, and that he can beat two guys. Sting wants him to think about something – at Against All Odds, he’ll be in the ring with Team 3D again, but also Angle. What does Angle want Sting as – a friend, or a foe?
Backstage, Sharmell is with Matt Morgan. He is about to have a tough match with Petey Williams, straight from the Kebler factory. Also, Petey will have one hand tied behind his back. How will Morgan fare? Morgan talks about how crazy his year has been so far – he’s on his first of three straight heel turns between 2009 and 2011. This challenge trumps everything he’s been through. Damn the Mafia. Seriously, he has no sympathy for Williams, just like he has no sympathy for former partner Abyss.
- Matt Morgan vs. Petey Williams (Petey has one arm tied behind his back).
Morgan’s entrance is pretty similar to Brock Lesnar. How unfortunate. TNA wanted to do big things with Morgan, but they kept turning him face and heel so many times. Steiner says that Williams is from the suck hole known as Canada. Steiner tells Barack Obama not to build a wall to keep Mexicans out, but instead build a wall to keep Canadians out. That was hilarious. Here comes Williams, still in Maple Leaf Muscle Steiner cosplay.
The bell sounds, and Morgan goes to both knees for the lock up. Williams kicks Morgan in the chest, and looks to outpace him. He unloads with strikes to the head, and avoids a big boot. Williams kicks at Morgan’s leg, and rolls to the floor. Morgan follows him, and Williams baits him in the ring with more right hands. Morgan grabs him by the throat, and Williams kicks his leg. Morgan explodes with a big clothesline.
Booker says that the Mafia could use Williams – he could wash the dishes! Morgan with repeated back elbows in the corner, followed by a big splash. Side walk slam by Morgan, and he breaks up his own pin at 2. Booker says Morgan has a 7 foot headbutt over and over. Booker is 10,000 miles an hour on commentary. Fall Away Slam by Morgan, and he once again breaks up his own pin. Steiner is on the apron, giving Morgan directions. Williams now has the rope removed, but he’s pretending like he doesn’t.
He explodes with strikes to Morgan. Shoulder to the mid section, and a Code Breaker from the apron. Williams goes to the top rope, and he connects with a missile dropkick. He dropkicks Steiner off the apron, and kicks him on the floor. He returns to the ring, and walks into the running big boot to the face, and Morgan wins off of that. Another nothing match, but man, commentary is saving this show for sure.
Post match, Morgan hits the Hellivator to Williams, and he celebrates with Steiner, who locks the Steiner Recliner on Maple Leaf Muscle. Out comes Jay Lethal, Eric Young and Consequences Creed to make the save. Booker T shows up out of nowhere, and beats the hell out of everyone, all while giving play by play on the mic. Nash says his staph infection prevents him from helping out. I believe that’s true, and not just a bullshit Nash excuse. Booker T says that Booker T is a bad man.
We get another get-to-know promo with Matt Morgan. He loves the Rocky movies, he almost played with the Pacers, and the most memorable moment of his life is marrying his college sweetheart. Kind of adorable, honestly.
We go from that to a video package focusing on the success of Team 3D in TNA.
Back at ringside, Booker T and Kevin Nash run down the show so far, and they seem very happy so far. How Kevin Nash can keep a straight face when Booker is talking is beyond me.
Here comes Team 3D, who I believe are the IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Champions at this time. They stare down Booker and Nash, and Booker is telling them over and over that he’s Black Snow, not Booker T. Brother Ray takes a mic, and it’s promo time. Big 3D chant, as Ray talks about how he feels bad for Sting. He can’t believe he’s saying that. They don’t want to fight Sting. He says Angle has backed him into a corner, and Sting must now face one of the greatest teams of all time.
Seven or eight weeks ago, Ray was left bloodied in a dumpster. Sting did worse than any of the other Mafia members did that night – he did nothing. He asks why Sting continues to walk down this path, lie to himself, and lie to the fans. He says for Sting to not take this personal, and at Against All Odds, one of Team 3D will leave as the TNA World Champion.
Another get-to-know segment with Traci Brooks, and she talks about her love for music, hockey, and her favorite movie – which is one where she can sneak in and make out with someone.
- Handicap Match: Sting vs. Team 3D.
Steiner says that Team 3D hail from Dunkin Donuts, in the great state of obesity. The Dunkin Donuts line made me laugh a lot. Booker ponders if Team 3D would be in the Mafia if they had suits that fit them. He also calls ECW a big independent promotion, and that selling DVDs in Japan doesn’t make you a worldwide star. The bell sounds, and here we go. Sting is wrestling in a T shirt for this one. Devon starts out with Sting, as Sharmell joins the commentary table.
Devon with the side headlock takedown to Sting. Booker T is giving us Sting’s history with the Blade Runners, the tag team with the future Ultimate Warrior. Devon with an arm bar, and Ray makes the tag. He and Sting exchange trash talk, before Ray takes the side headlock. Shoulder tackle by Ray, and a back elbow by Sting. Ray powers back with some strikes and a powerslam for a 2 count. Devon tags back in, and hits a corkscrew elbow to the head.
Sting rolls to the floor, and Steiner gives him a pep talk. Ray rushes to the floor and takes Steiner out, and then rolls Sting back into the ring. Steiner attacks Ray, while Sting goes to work on Devon. We’re back from a commercial break, and Sting hits a suplex to Devon for a 2 count. We get a double down following two clotheslines. Booker T does an impression of Sting: “No one is gonna take my title, cause I’m Sting.” Ray tags in and hits a side suplex for 2. Ray hits a modified Book End, and here’s Steiner to distract the referee. Kurt Angle is here, and he gives a low blow to Ray. Sting hits the Scorpion Deathdrop, and Ray is still able to kick out. Devon comes in, and gets whipped into the corner. Stinger Splash connects, and now Sting unloads with punches to the head.
Ray lifts Sting up, and Devon comes off the top rope with the Doomsday Device. The ref counts, but Angle comes in to break it up. The match is over, via DQ. Angle and Steiner go to work on Team 3D, but oh wow, here comes Booker T out of nowhere! Black Snow can’t believe it. Booker brings a table out. They set it up in the ring, but here comes Mick Foley, LAX and Abyss to make the save! Kevin Nash with the line of the show: “Is that the singer from System of a Down? No, it’s Mick Foley!” The match itself was fine, easily the best on the show, and that’s only because of the additional context surrounding it, and whether or not Angle did this to help Sting or hurt Sting.
The Frontline clears the ring out, as we cut to a commercial. Here’s a video package on Sting once again. Are these videos things that aired in between commercials in other countries?
Back from commercial, Foley says this experiment of taking over Impact is over. Foley says that Hernandez will get another shot at the TNA World Title, due to the Mafia ruining his match two weeks earlier. He says that Steiner will be in a Weapons Match tonight against Abyss. Foley says that Abyss will be the kid on Christmas morning that gets any toy he wants, and Steiner is the kid who gets no toys, no weapons!
Foley agrees with Angle in liking handicap matches, so he’s going to book one tonight: It’s Angle against both members of LAX. He tells the Mafia to try and have a great day. Poor Chet Lemon on commentary is disgusted and wants nothing to do with this. Backstage, Cornette is talking to Don West, Mike Tenay, Dave Penzer, and the beautiful blonde backstage announcer whose name escapes me. Another commercial break, and Tenay and West run down the line up for Against All Odds, like the show hasn’t been hijacked for the last hour.
At the PPV, we’re getting Beer Money against Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed for the Tag Titles, which sounds awesome, ODB challenging Awesome Kong for the Knockouts Title, Matt Morgan against Abyss, Scott Steiner against Petey Williams, and the TNA World Title 4 Way between Sting, Angle and Team 3D. Cornette has an additional announcement for the PPV: Booker T against former referee Shane Sewell. Again, I think that match was terrible.
- Weapons Match: Scott Steiner vs. Abyss.
I love that Dave Penzer is announcing for this like normal. Guys, you took Impact back from the Mafia! Let’s see some enthusiasm! In this match, Steiner is not allowed to use weapons, but Abyss certainly can.
Abyss makes his entrance, and some people come out with trash cans loaded with weapons. He slides into the ring, and Steiner goes on the offensive with clubbing blows in the corner. He digs his knee into Abyss’ face. Here’s some clotheslines from Abyss, followed by a big splash in the corner. They go to the outside, where Abyss stays on the offensive. He smashes Steiner’s head off the ring bell. He tosses Steiner against the Spanish Announcer’s Table set up. He goes to splash Steiner, but Steiner moves and Abyss goes through the wall.
We come back from commercial break, and Steiner has a chair. The ref cuts him off, because he gets no weapons. Abyss punches the chair back into his face. Now he has a trash can, and drills him in the head. He makes the cover, and Steiner kicks out. Steiner low blows Abyss, and sends him face first into the chair set up in the corner. He goes to grab the ring bell once again. The ref tries to take the bell, and Abyss lifts him up for the choke slam into the trash can. That gets him a nearfall. Steiner is busted open now. Abyss grabs the bell, and Steiner uses a lead pipe to knock the bell into Abyss’ face. The referee throws the match out because of that.
Post match, Steiner uses the chair on Abyss’ back and head. Steiner chokes Abyss with the chair, and then the lights go out. It’s Suicide, the character from TNA’s video game! No, seriously. Suicide attacks Steiner, and sends him face first into the middle turnbuckle. Suicide and Abyss pose in the ring, as the lights go out. Suicide is gone, and Abyss is declared the winner by DQ. Well, it was a Weapons Match, and the winner won by DQ. That tells you all you need to know.
Now we get a hype package for Brutus Magnus – aka Nick Aldis, current General Manager of Smackdown. He was set up as some modern day Gladiator. He was a long ways away from the National Treasure character he’d perfect in the NWA. We get another video package of TNA’s recent tour in Europe. This is hilarious, because the package talks about how AJ Styles, Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett were on this tour – even though in story, they’ve all been taken out by the Mafia.
Lauren – the hot blonde backstage announcer whose name I couldn’t remember – is backstage talking to the stars of Spike TV’s “Toughest Cowboy.” I vaguely remember this competition about bull riding. Beer Money comes up, and questions how they are cowboys because they ride a bull for eight seconds. James Storm then says he must be the world’s greatest cowboy, because he rode their mom for longer than eight seconds. Bazinga!
- Handicap Match: Kurt Angle vs. LAX.
I don’t think I appreciated enough at the time that this period in TNA was Kurt Angle in his prime.
Angle and Homicide start things out. Big LAX chant right away. Angle takes control of the back, and he gets Homicide to the mat. Drop toe hold by Homicide, and a front chancery. Homicide grabs the arm, and Angle forces him to the turnbuckle. He nails an uppercut, and Homicide comes back with a head scissors. He connects with a corkscrew shoulder block, and he tags in Hernandez next. It’s a shame that Hernandez might be a creep, because he was such a great tag team guy.
Angle kicks Hernandez in the gut, and in the face. He shoulders Angle across the ring. Then, he sends him to the floor. Now Super Mex – yes, that was his nickname – prepares for the dive to the floor, and he connects flush. Back from commercial, Angle has a headlock on Homicide, and follows with a backbreaker. Nice belly to belly suplex from Angle. He pulls the straps down, and goes for the Angle Slam, and Homicide avoids it. He can’t avoid the Ankle Lock, though.
Homicide fights back with a DDT out of nowhere. Hernandez makes the tag, but the referee didn’t see it. What the fuck, Hebner? Angle continues to work on Homicide. He drives his boot into the throat of Homicide. Snap mare by Angle into a sleeper hold. Homicide gets back to his feet, and hits a Dragon Screw Legwhip, Tanahashi style! Angle kicks Homicide away, and tries for a German Suplex. Homicide tries his own, and Angle rolls into the Ankle Lock.
Homicide crawls to the ropes, and Angle pulls him back to the middle. Hernandez comes in, and explodes with offense on Angle. He splashes Angle in the corner, then tosses Angle across the ring. Sit out powerbomb by Super Mex. He sets up for the Border Toss, but Angle drops down, and sends Hernandez into the ring post shoulder first. Homicide pops off a roll up for 2. Nice Cutter by Homicide out of nowhere.
Homicide looks for the Gringo Killa, but Angle lands on his feet and he connects with the Angle Slam. That’s enough for the win. Decent match, It was harmless, but it also felt relatively unimportant.
We cut to a video, where the Main Event Mafia is introduced to the real Samoa Joe – now he has a design on his face! As a kid, I thought that was a real face tattoo, and was disappointed when I found out it was paint.
And that’s the episode! That was fucking terrible, and I loved it. The matches weren’t good, save for the Sting/Team 3D match, which worked just for the story. The quality was purposely low, because this was all about the Main Event Mafia screwing up the show and doing their own thing. The first part of the show, with them in total control, was entertaining as hell, with Booker T and Kevin Nash’s commentary being the highlight of the entire evening. Once TNA took control back, it became kind of a slog to get through.
What was hilarious is how they took the show back, but preceded like nothing had happened. There wasn’t a change in their tones, or anything. It was just “hey, we took our show back! Here’s the lineup for Against All Odds.” I got a huge laugh out of the video package of the tour in Europe, where they talked about how Styles, Joe and Jarrett competed, and ignored the fact that all three had been put out of action by the Mafia. I can give a slight pass to Styles, since he’d only been out for a week, but Jarrett had been out for weeks, and Joe was taken out in December. Inconsistency kills TNA every time.
All in all, the show was entertaining at least. I’m always down to watch bad wrestling if it makes me laugh, and this one certainly did. It was also nice to revisit 2009 TNA, which has a special place in my heart. I looked forward to Impact much more than I did WWE at the time, so to see this stuff again as an older adult was a lot of fun. This show sucked, but I still recommend it for a laugh.